Beauty and Joy

In you. that flowers come.

Let's make merry. In you there is wholeness.

Come. Let's make merry.

There is joy

in the things you ignore.

There is joy

in the beauty of your eyes.

There is joy

When I see you.

Beauty is universal

When you can look not out there

But in here.

RUN. RELEASE. FREEDOM

If you love someone. set him / her free.

Let him go from your heart.

Be aware of your feelings and let them go.

Run till you die. But you are always with yourself.

Somebody

There's so many things I wanna do.

Be Somebody.

Hmmm.. What's somebody?

Someone everybody admires.

Someone everybody looks up to.

Someone you can look up to.

Something that you have long to achieve has been achieved.

Freedom?

What's somebody?

You. Me. Everyone else.

So who's somebody?

Alone.

Have been a while since I visited this place.

I wonder where we've been.

Alone in this house.

Where am I?

I'm alone but yet not.

Have you ever been alone?

How do you feel being alone?

What do you do when you alone?

Do the things you've would never do with others?

What are those?

Dreaming. Sleeping. Eating in the most disgusting manner. Talking to yourself.

Dancing. Make-up. Cross-dress. Stretch. Cry. Watch porn. Read. See your nakedness in the mirror. Laugh. Make magic. Kiss yourself.

What would you do?

My Silly Affair

It's done deal.

Funny.

Guilt. Shame. Remorse.

I've never felt so lonely in my life.

I"m going for a jog.

The way love works

I don't understand the way this works

I'm disapointed time and time again

I don't feel the special love that I see in Disney movies happening

I don't trust men.

I feel they would leave me after knowing me.

What comes about this?

Getting to know me would be quite empty isn't it?

Why am I afraid of going on dates?

What do I fear?

I don't know

I have lost all faith.

I have lost faith in the Love I thought would happen

I have lost faith in myself

Now

I don't wanna tell myself this is good

I don't wanna encourage myself

I have lost faith in men

Cheese

I need to smile more.

Realised I have kept myself away with the excuse of you in mind.

I have totally made u as my excuse in my social gatherings.

How cruel have i kept myself away from the rest

And suffered ignorantly, joyously, painfully, excruciatingly for the sake of hope

my dreams

Are you my dream-person?

Ive been making use of you

When you no longer exist in my life

I could tell

from the current smile in your pictures

Why so fake jean

You know you can do it

It is a matter of trust and letting go

Dissapointments

How do you handle two in a day?

No expectations or something

2 persons asked for appointments today but later cancelled it.

I feel rejected.

Both are dear Both in an evening.

I could have done more..

What the heck.

What do i learn from it?

The constant contradiction in me

It was this long isn't it?

The sky was so dark this evening

i wonder if it is any good.

I hear time heals everything.

How long has it been?

Come see me.

Where would you be?
When i see you.

Where would i be?
When we meet.

Where? Where?

What would we do?
When we meet.

What do i say?
When we do meet.

What do you tell me?
When we meet.

Will you ever hurt me again?
Will you say the words I do not so wish to hear?

I am aching. I am yearning. I am passively waiting.

I am here. Are you?

Today

"It's dark, now, and I am very tired. I love you, always. Time is nothing."
Henry to Clare, in the Time Traveller's Wife.

In my quiet moments
I think of you.

I say, Come to me. Come to me now.

Then i, think of the past, and i say.."U jerk. i feel stupid"

Then I think of now.

And I"m here. You aren't here.

So nothing can hurt me now.

Even if it's in the past, I am here now.

I look at myself. I am fine.

My heart cracks. breaks. shatters.
for what it is worth.

I stand here now. alone.
still.

Still, I am thinking.
I am thinking of us embracing.

Then a girl's name flashed by my head.
And i ache

I ache and i pushed it aside

But it comes back stronger.

The force comes back stronger.

And i just have to see it.
I have to look into it.

And i start to cry.

Beach

Just got back from a beach resort trip

A short 3 day get-away.

A group of 4 couples and I

Feels funny

I do not know how to react

I wished for this

I wished for that

Well

Sometimes alone

sometimes peaceful

A quiet solitude

A mindful rest

Where the wild things are.....

You just wonder don't you.

Where everything flows through you

Will they come back?

Now moody

Just going to let this day pass

or not.

Where are you?

Are you hearing the truth?

You can't define love, only describe it

Sometimes

It is just hard to keep away from thinking of you

Your voice

Your whispers

They are everywhere

Tried hard

but to no avail

We have come a long way

From our past

Sometimes

I feel you

I feel you talking to me

Even though we've not spoken for weeks, for months

About Love

interestingly

it pulls one apart

breaks one down to little pieces

yet renews, refreshes one

About Love

it removes your idealistic notion

and shows u the way

The way

The way that u so desire

U question it

it questions you

Love

I've wanted love for so long

so young

Mine would be a fairytale

a dream i so desire

till now

I ain't sure what that is

Who that is

What it'll be

Who cares

No one should care

They do not lead my life

I lead mine

So no one should question when i should be married

my age

my dating life

and so on

Tay to Me on 23 June 2007 @ 3.24am

Tay Pruecksamars to me

show details 6/23/07

i searched a little for the meaning of the dream u had and the conclusion i came to is that: snake = guy's sexual energy, chasing you = threatening.. which probrably translate to mean that we shouldnt have sex when you are scratched or without a dommie.

and as i was surfing around, i found this guy's dream to be most amusing.. >

Dream one I had this dream about 3 years ago -
I dreamt that I was the smartest person in the world (infintely smart). I was at conference having a spa with a whole bunch of scientists and intellectuals there was this one particular girl who dubious about my intellect. Until a lion jumped in the spa with us and gave me a hug..

Dream two (I had this dream about twenty years ago when I was 8)...
I was at a dinner party. I remember there were a whole bunch of tables. Everyone had to take turns getting drinks from the kitchen. Everytime someone got drinks from the kitchen there was almighty crash but the person said when they came out that nothing happened. Finally it got to my turn, I went into the kitchen heard no crash.. walked out with the drinks.. everyone stood pealed off their skin and clothes to reveal their 'alien skin' and started waltzing.

Dream 3 ( I had this last week) -
I had a dream where I made the discovery that ants were made from the same enzymes as memories.

Dream one I think is probably stemmed from my desire to prove myself to everybody. Dream Two is probably to do with some fear of being left out..and afraid of the unknown. Dream Three is just completely ridiculous...

hope all is fine,

6 Sep 2007 at 10:39am

This i really wonder why we have worked out so much.
Maybe, a letter a day would do me good.

The time we stayed at phranakon was the most beautiful and lasting
memories i've had.
it was unforgettable where time stood at a still.

it felt we were alone together.

i fell in love once again.

Sparks at the balcony made me recall of the time when u sent me a
pic of a heart made with swirling sparkles. i missed you...

if u had loved me, u wouldn't had rejected me. when u said u loved me,
were u reluctant?

if u did loved, then why are u reluctant? times when u said u'll be down again and again. why is it hard. i wonder how you would not
understand me.

did u not feel loved; u said u always felt the need to take care of me.

i'm not a yuoung kid. was it because u were projecting your
weakness onto me?
silly me, i let you do that. i obliged to the things u wanted me to give and suggested. maybe i wanted to give you all my love, maybe i felt my love was never enough. the feelings i'm having are erratic and
i think it could be hostile. so i tried to compensate by giving u
surprises that i've done what i thought u would like

through your words..

giving myself a shave, doing yoga, dressing well and conservatively,
making friends, watching shows that u've watched, smoking shisha and more recently playing games..

i told myself they were part of being a couple and doing things that each other liked. but u took it as me giving you too much love. maybe
what i did was overdoing for a long-distance thing. i don't know.

maye i've never had a chance to be intimate with you. to say the words I've wanted to say
out. i guess i can never do it,, because i fear rejection. which is already the case. when i have an emotional outbursts.. usually concerning us, you've gotta bear with it.

u said it was not because i'm over emotional. then what is it?

i keep finding out what was wrong with me...

that i could have done something better. i wanted perfection, i wanted you. i still want you, and i
still hope you would someday come back to me. i've not forget the times together, the things u said over the phone and how nice u were to me

but u did not love me. not now, not anymore. not forever. u needed to find other partners, u needed variety, i'm thinking of then when u send
messages to this girl. i can't stop you by questioning you.

we are lovers

but i've invaded some sort of distrust

so it's unfair to speak of
it. i guess .. i m not sure.

i hope you can give me an answer. an answer of some sort.

but the answer lies within me. i know i'm a nice girl. and that's why you have loved me for so long.

We could have ended earlier. but maybe now is the time for us to leave each other.

While you feel a need and urge to explore..

And so i should accept

with grace.

that this has an end to it.

The night u left me at samran place was almost unbearable.

i wanted to
die. and leave. i wanted something. safe, closeness. but it was
heart-wrenching. all the things u said in the hotel.. u just wanted to
feel better and i let you in. once more. i could not bear it, and u
left. u did not sent me to the airport. how do i forgive.

i wanted closure, for the girl u called dear. but it's my doing for
checking you phone. i feel a need to, and urge to know your
whearabouts. but yet i feel further from you. further and further away. the trust is lost..and so is our relationship.

tay i'm sorry for what i've done. but i've always ben faithful to you.

I wanted an outcome

but u wanted an ending.

So that's our parallel lives.

3

You want to be a responsible man

but you've hurt her, you and I

I don't want to get into no drama

But it has happened

Quiet as my expression

My inner mind is tormentuous 

Hope is round the corner

My heart says patience, patience, patience

Hope is round the corner?

That should not be 

Love is here

Within you

Your soul speaks

With Love

The Silence Within

How things come & go

what is left

Me standing 

in the rain

What is left? 

of a broken heart?

What is left?

of a wish spoken a thousand times?

What is left?

of a thought recycled 

e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y?

What is left?

Iam watching

the silence happens now and all this while

the observer & the observed

Let love be reborn

Let things be as they are

How adventurous 

to see it happen

How patient 

must one be

to let things be

as they are

It is in me 

that you find love

Residue of Hope

Calling out for t.a.y

it seems everyone knows this by now

my face painted with ....

It's been a while

Every day

bit by bit

little by little

I let pain wash away

Today 

dreaming a better me

dreaming a better you

I think of the past

but i let it go 

in peace

In time

We are better people

We are better humans

Don't let it go

Let love be

Let love finds it way

back to our hearts 

Loves

Jeanette loves
guava

Jeanette loves
herbs

Jeanette loves
spices

Jeanette loves
water

Jeanette loves
animals

Jeanette loves
trees

Jeanette loves
mysteriousness

Jeanette loves
smells

Jeanette loves
perspiring

Jeanette loves
good skin

Jeanette loves
translucent complexion

Jeanette loves
a good glow on her skin

Jeanette loves
love

Jeanette loves
kindness

Jeanette loves
scents

Jeanette loves
dew

Jeanette loves
rain

Jeanette loves
sunshine

Jeanette loves
breeze

and Jeanette loves
wind

Jeanette loves a soulmate

who can eventually enter into a marriage with her

Jeanette loves a soulmate

who understands and is able to be fully exposed with

Jeanette loves a man who is loyal and faithful to her

Jeanette loves a soulmate who has a knack for the artistic side

Jeanette loves a man who travels to exotic places with her

Jeanette loves a man who shares sensual pleasures with her

Jeanette loves a man whom she can have a heart to heart talk with

Jeanette loves a man who lives life with passion
not neccessarily towards building a corporate career

but one with cares for the earth, the things around him and for the highest good of him

Jeanette loves a man whom she can cuddle and sit by the sofa for hours

Jeanette loves a man whom makes time for excercise, meditation and intimacy

Jeanette is in a intimate relationship with one right now

Jeanette Ow.

Jeanette is with a man who is at ease with my family and himself.

Jeanette is in a relationship who is nurturing and self-fulfilling.

Jeanette grows old with him.


Jeanette Ow believes in love and a soulmate is here in this lifetime for her.

Jeanette is ready for him.

Dear Jeanette

I feel upset by comments
I should not feel this way

My boss messaged me to inform me that because of me not completing my timesheet, they were unable to report to the US.

What a welcome encouragement.
It's not enough.

But what do i feel about external comments.
Should i allow it to happen?


Who pulls me down?

My sister
She scolds me laments me for not doing her work
What will i do?

It's never enough jeanette
and i dont feel like putting effort on myself

I do feel like letting go of all criticisms
all worries
all troubles
to just not resist and let it be
How do i look for peace?

Love. To fall madly and crazyly in love.
head over heels someone.
If that's not possible try communing with nature.

What nature has to offer.
Trrreees
Birds
soil
grass
flowers
fruits
animals
river

I wish i can do a job well.

What's my intent for today?

To feel and balance my work with play.

anxious

anxious with an a
this word just makes me anxious

trust
trust your lord

believe
what's there to believe in?

Oh my
how can i do this?


what a word
anxious

it makes me tremble

And so it seems

Like i do know what i should do

Like i do know that there is an ending

So it seems

All these spiritual talk will it help does it help

When i do not interect with the world i live in?

I'm talking about human beings

Yes, that's right my dear human beings...who are you if you are not them?

Human beings, your father, mother, sister, friends, co-workers, bosses, bus-drivers, aunties and uncles, 

criminals, lawyers, clubbers, cleaners, enemies, terrorists

they are just human beings like you

what makes them do the things they do

what makes you say the things you say

What a wonder?

I wonder everyday that Tay calls that i'm grateful for.

It's a wonder we are telepathic

It's a wonder

Why?

who do i c-\o-exist with then?

Do i like Tax, audit and all that "SURVIVAL" skills??

Why did i choose the things i did and why did i do the things i do?

IS my soulmate never gonna be Tay?

is my soulmate not Tay at all? And i'm just disillusional?

These signs

I know htere are signs alright

and sure enough angels?

And how do i trusts my feelings when i i feel these signs poiont to him?

Who knows?

Sometimes, my feelings say yes and sometimes, it goes the other way?

HOW do i always know what i'm thinking of and how do you trust your gut feelings anyway?

What is gut feelings? 

How does that feel??

I wonder i really wonder

Now i've got to get back to my work which so damn much

Here in Canvass

Today

I'm guilty of making people upset

Today I'm guilty of losing proper relationships

Today

I'm guilty of becoming who i am

Today

I'm guilty of all things that i think would make me good

Today

It's the 12th April 2009. I'm at Canvass. Had a row with my sister over delaying time.

I brought up the past. chided her for delaying time that i cancelled my massage. 

Upset with myself for going down with her to art friend which i know that i will be late

for

know that my time is delayed know that my day is wasted

Today

I'm very upset

Why

Why do i go if i knew this will happen

did i jinx it

Why

Is this a matter at all

Why will she cry and why must i be upset

Why?? 

I don't know why

But i don't want this no more

I don't know why

But my life is in a constant spiral

not necessarily up 

and not necessarily down

Satan. Who?

Is it someone's way to live?
Isnt it just someone's ay to live?

If people would have commented on your ideas
why would that happen?

It is easy to think one is insane

it is easy to think one has gone crazy because he or she believes in angels, and not in satan

Is satan an aspect of our bad self our unembraced self
Why isnt it true?
Thinking it through

thinking it through


think it through love

Why when i die

what happens?

Isn't Satan human?

Who created the bible?

Where did we come from?

never stop questioning.

Why Deepak gives basic goodness and do not damn anyone.

That's why i love him.

Tay

Here we are
Jeanette
this kind of melodrama...

Why did i seek it?




What is the answer before me



if you'll love me back again


only memories left.

the clicking of the keyboard

the glancing of the phone

drama jean

They see him more often than i do

So what has been the big deal

What am i scared of losing

When i have already lost

what has been the point of waiting when waiting is no longer valid

Dear Tay

Dont let me abuse you any longer

Why wait when all i've got has been regret

Dear Jeanette

Dear Jeanette

Dear Jeanette

Dear Jeanette


Yor are just insane

What has happened is happening?

A bedroom of yearnings

I'm irked by the people who think of the past

What am i doing now



Freedom..

Run away tonight

Run away tonight


Right now everything you want is wrong

what has happened to me.

A freedom of joy

let go & be free.

6 Oct 2008

Dear one,

I'm sitting on a desk at mazars sg. Feeling a little frenzied because of the talk yesterday. I don't know how to feel and now am overwhelmed. Little things that happened to me. I just let it pass. howver, this feeling stays with me for a while. I guess i talked too much. said too much of others. at the same time. i want to get over this feeling. but the feeling is still here.

I am overwhelmed by the changes in situations. from a happy afternoon at yoga to a fierce argument from sis at night. When this happens, how should i feel?
to be the observer and not in it. To be passionate and to be able to let it go.

where am i now??

when did i become a victim to these situations? what is it that i've said about ly flirting? maybe i've said i'm angry and upset by what they've mentioned. I dont' know i don't feel like working with my sis anymore. it's just not worth it. what do i understand from this situation.

it's very upsetting to hear about what they say about me. i shouldnt say it then, don't tell me secrets because i dont get secrets. why is it that ly communicated with my sis and not tell me about it. fuck. isn't it great that she can tell ly about me and not her to adeline. fuck man which is worse telling a friend about this whom she doesnt i guess it doesnt matter.

talking about someone is just it. I dont think i can work at canvass anymore. complications.

it's like i'm feel ungrateful about it. fuck lah. what about the flirting game. i feel like calling ly to tell her off. what is it that'= i've said. den dont' get me involved.

i dont' think friends is good for us. don't call me er-jie. i dont feel comfortable with this.

thanks.

I feel hyporcritical about our relationships. we're both wearing a fake mask and it' tearing off. or it's thickening up. whatever,

To escape is no way either. to run home to face it doesnt make it better too. change my thought and now here i am sitting on mazar's desk feeling a little runned down and frenzied. if anyone were to appear anytime i'll porbable m=punch his her face. gladly.

what the fuck why are u jealous over keith and I? when we are just cousins. man.
maybe it's the same thing i'm h=jealous over u and my sis. and i dont care about it at all. i don't want to interefere. i just want to be myself. and be selfless in giving i just want to do good. a

am i doing myself good?
in what terms do i call good?
then is this what i talked about?

read so much about. that's crab/ what i read and apply has alot to distance inbetween.
grouchy as i am . i dont want to face my sis back home and go through another round o f justification and arguement. just let it be but my anger arises when she talks about me.

ME. me me me. who's me/

if i just let this sitiuatiion pass won't it be good and better?

Dear Jean

Dear Jean.

Where do you want to hide?

Where do you want to go?

Where is it that you like?

How would you find wonders

How do you expect others to know your true feelings?




When i dont know mine

How do i know

When i don't know mine?

Dear God,

May this be a personal appeal to you
I know you are laughing

Because i dont need to make an appeal
I just gotta speak to you

May i be brave to speak my thoughts
My inner thoughts
spoke with real thoughts

770

have you seen so many 11:11 , 22:11, 11:44: 444 in a day
in a moment
in an instant?

Those numbers are magical arent' they.
They are said to tell me something.

what are they?

if you live with the questions.
life will bring you to the answers.
Deepak Chopra.

I've been questioning a lot.
And i quickly deny the outcome.
Because i let the ego answer it for me.

Even if i know the outcome.
what is my moment to do?

An inner knowing is good

sometimes,

I even qustion my inner knowing.

Yes, that's absurd.

That's almost paranoid.

That's what i become.

When i think too much.

Haha.

Life is good this time around.

Predictions

Sometimes, i'm better off without this thought to be with him.

Saves me from all the trouble & Worry.

You'll never know

how does one predict the person's future?

Through intuition on his feelings now.

That's how i guess it'll be.

Valentine's Day

Having kids
Wow. A mother's love for a child is so great.
This is really wonderful.

Just read shin's cancer blog.

There's love here and everywhere.

At your deathbed. how will it feel?

Not in denial that it will be good & fearless.

I would think so much of it.


Valentine's day.

Is there not enough time for me.

Me & You. Tay.

It's no doubt i love you. I'm sure of it now. So sure I'm not wanting.

Maybe,

When i think of you, i think of what i could do for you.

What i can buy for you.

If you'll be happy with this.

If you'll be happy with that.

The future. It is good.

Whatever comes will be good.


What do you desire?

L-O-V-E

Love is complicated as i see it.
How do i let it go?

Think happy thoughts
make it happen.

Force yourself is such a contradiction to letting go

A tribute to love

what that is

I hope it is now

Teh

Suddenly i missed you so much.

No don't read this blog.
It's all sad and dampy.

What happened on new's year's day.
Why did i make that call?

I feel silly in the outpour.
I dont know if i should call you.

Why not?

The taboo word.

what is?

The word.

What word dear..

It is that.

Just that.

I love you.

Nope.

What is?

What was the dream?

Tea