Is this gone forever?

Lately, I've been thinking.

Am i too crazy? to love a man who's not here
to fall in love with a man whom i can only hear his voice?

I should feel lucky

Am i an old hag who can't get to sleep in my tent?

Am i the dreamer who lives and loves on fantasy that never comes?

Am i the girl who lives on little bit of love from others and keeps none for herself?

Am i that girl?

Or am i acting it?

who am i

this question is a spiritual qn

is it this simple

who am i

i am just you

Jeanette

who's jeanette

the girl who cries over tay

the girl who dreams of a wonderful love life

who am i?

When i become that,

who am i again?

what am i ?

the never-changing consciousness

who's love who's lust

who's breaking out?

Cold december

It's december yet again.

I'm learning each day as it comes.

Here in the room

I feel lonely again.

Where is happiness?

In me. In my heart.

Why do i feel lonely and away?

Little Hanoi

This note was typed into my phone while i was in Hanoi during late October.
The name "little hanoi" derived from a the name of a cosy diner's in the back streets of old quarter.

Miss him so much.
I think maybe not brush it away
but learn how to live with this ache.

I prayed for a soulmate.
I missed him.
I thought of how much weight I've gained & him seeing me this way.

I guess God is saying it's not meant to be.

I mean it's first love.

And I'm attached to it.


I miss your kiss tay.
it's better with time.

It's a journey for me.

"Love is like a journey".

When its so painful,
why do i want him to know?

Krabi, it was great.

When I'm alone, how do i find solitude?
It's like opening my flesh
My wound.
Peeiling it out bit by bit.
It's dangerous.I dont' want to go there.
Yet not knowing hurts too.

Still counting the days still counting time.

I'd like to be healed. Healed from the pain.
The pain I think I'm attached to.

I like to go deeper.

I like to start anew.

All that reminds me are walks, bangkok streets, highway, taxi rides, hotel stays.
eating, making love, text messages , your eyes, your breath, your voice, your tenderness.

Yet this really pains me as i'm crying now.

They say every little thing you do,
the world hears.

Where are you now? Do you hear me now?

If you're happy with someone else, I'll be fine.






Are you sure jeanette?

Are you the same girl as before?

Mixed like a fruit blend

It's frustrating

i'm frustrated with the world and myself
to express to give to love
can't do anything and can't do something

Right now
after exhaustion from computer
i'm sitting right here using it once more

i should be meditating
but i kill myself with exhaustion
and bad thoughts
and later tell myself i'm just too tired for it

mental physical bondage

So I dreamt of him two days in a row
1st dream he was rushing to go off in a train
in which i delayed by holding on to garbage
& he sped up our meeting by offering to throw it away
then he was gone
when i called
he was on the train back home & did not pick up my call

In the 2nd dream
i communicated with him through friendster
and LY asked how's things between me and tay
I said "Ok" and she shot me a concerned look
and that was because she saw a girl by starting with the letter "M"
intervening between me & tay's messages
And it could be me instead. Intervening

All things come to an end
and that's how i come to know of it

having seen the post on facebook
i now know you've a girfriend

What do i say then
having felt all these dreams

and having recurrences of the results
travelling and failing to meet
meeting and failing to go the distance

So many questions so many heartaches

all caused because i've faield to see
what's not in for me
and what's to release

till now
i sit here
aching and trembling inside
because i keep hoping
and hope as i might
it never comes

the calling
i know it's so wrong
it 's so bad
i keep doing it

Failing to see the rest of the world
how crazy you are
to be this way

stuck in the mud
and not getting up

maybe u're not getting in
and looking out

for love's here
and it's here now
everywhere

it's not to be found
for it's never hidden

just clear the shades of grey
and u will find
a piece of heaven
bestowed upon one who loves all and deserves love

Here i am

It is while since i last wrote.

I miss this blog.

Looking back at the last post, i teared.



My heart is clearer. I feel better now.

I am open to situations and people do not affect me as much anymore.

I even went down to Thailand last month.

What a feat.

Seems like i can tell someone when i love them.

Seems now i have open up my heart. My yearnings, my cravings.

It's August now.

Why did i come back here?

i thought i see how i've changed.

through words through thoughts through emotions.



What do you think?

Dear Jeanette,

You miss Tay. and it's alright you don't want any of this anymore.

Now, tell me how you feel.

I feel upset, dissapointed, hurt, awful, angry, spiteful, revengeful, and used.

why? the times he calls me for seems like he wanted to get away from boredom, at the same time, i feel like he likes me. i feel like he wants me but doesn't want me.
i feel he wants me but not the distance and the crying. the way to be friends. but how do i want it to be.
iwant to release each and every negative emotions.
Dear Tay,

don't call me anymore. i don't want any part of this anymore. the reason being that i feel for you so much i feel sad. i don't knwo the end. there is a greater end. and u seem to just want to be friends. so i'm looking for love. and in you, i often mislead myself in finding love in you.

i have a hard time letting go of you and it's funny funny how we came about and now it was u that wanted the end. now i' gotta let go too. but telling you my true feelings. each time you call each time you message, i feel something for you. But rather, the same is not reciprocated back. and i ache everytime this happens. this comes out of nowhere for you, but i'm feeling this for the longest time. it's time i tell you how i feel. For i want to release these that has been holding on for so long.

it's making me uncomfortable. and i just want you to know i feel the most for you. and i dunno about you. I'm moving to another level. I'm moving off. ive deleted you on facebook and msn. dont' call me, u don't have to.