a letter a day, for my soul

This i really wonder why we have worked out so much.
Maybe, a letter a day would do me good.

the time we stayed at phranakon was the most beautiful and lasting
memories i've had.
it was unforgettable in the time stood at a still. it felt we were
alone. i fell in love once again.

sparkles at the balcony made me recall of the time when u sent me a
pic of a heart made with swirling spakles. i missed you...

if u had loved me, u hadn't had rejected me. when u said u loved me,
were u reluctant.?

if u did loved, then why are u reluctant? times when u said u'll be
down again and again. why is it hard. i wonder how you would not
understand me.

did u not feel loved? u said u always felt the need to take care of
me. i'm not a young kid. was it because u were projecting your
weakness onto me?
silly me, i let you do that. i obliged to the things u wanted me to
give and suggested. maybe i wanted to give you all my love, maybe i
felt my love was never enough. the feelings i'm having are erratic and
i tink i could be hostile. so i tried to compensate by giving u
surprises that i've done what i thought u would like, through your
words..

giving myself a shave, doing yoga, dressing well and conservatively,
making friends,
watching shows u've watched, smoking shisha, more recently playing games..

i told myself they were part of being a couple and doing things that
each other liked. but u took it as me giving you too much love. maybe
what i did was overdoing for a long-distance thing. i don't know.

maye i've never had a chance to be intimate with you. to say my words
out. i guess i can never do it,, because i fear rejection. which is
already the case. when i have an emotional outbursts.. usual;y
concerning us, you've gotta bear with it.

u said it was not because i'm over emotional. then what is it?

i keep finding my errors...that i could have done something
better. i wanted perfection, i wanted you. i still want you, and i
still hope you would someday come back to me. i've not forgotten the
times together, the things u said over the phone and how nice u were
to me, i guess u are a nice guy and a good catch.
confident and rising. pleasing and secure.

but u did not love me. not now, not anymore. not forever. u need to
find other partners, u needed variety, i'm thinking of then when u sent
messages to this girl. i can't stop you by questioning you. we are
lovers, but i invaded some sort distrust, so it's unfair to speak of
it. i guess .. i m not sure.

i hope you can give me an answer. an answer of some sort.

but the answer lies within me. i know i'm a nice girl. and that's why
you loved me so long. we could have ended earlier. but maybe it's
time for us to leave now. when you are exploring and need and a urge to
explore. ..

and so i should accept, with grace. that this has an end to it.

the night u left me at samran place was almost unbearable. i wanted to
die. and leave. i wanted something. safe, closeness. but it was
heart-wrenching. all the things u said in the hotel.. u just wanted to
feel better and i let you in. once more. i could not bear it, and u
left. u did not sent me to the airport. how do i forgive.

i wanted closure, for the girl u called dear. but it's my doing for
checking you phone. i feel a need to, and urge to know your
whearabouts. but yet i feel further from you. further and further
away. the trust is lost..and so is our relationship.

tay i'm sorry for what i've done. but i've always been faithful to you.
i wanted an outcome, but u wanted an ending. so that's our parallel
lives.