now that we come to be like this, i can't blame on anything exceot on my emotions. my emotions are very unstable. this i s my official first relantionship together. when i come face to face to you and talk 'live" nothing comes out. i find it hard to say anything real to you. now i cant and am thinking of you this very minute and the last 1000.

it seems uncontrollable. that you will abandon me. but who brought this upon us? i wonder hard and there is no one. i entered into this willingly and i cannot stay strong. i want to hang on. but hanging on is not the solution. i want to find a cure to this downard, spiral emotions. i refuse to see a pschotherapist because that means i'm quite crazy. and crazy is a scary word. people view this negatively and i can't bring myself to think i'm like this. shunned by the rest and looking upon in a very wierd way and the only cure is to get cured. i won't want to be that way. i refuse and protest because i find there's nothing wrong at all feeling all these. i find it hard to admit because ppl will say go get it treated but i want to say there's nothing wrong being this. depression uncertainty. if i troubnle you too much, that's because there's a lot in me that hasn't been answered. the words the questions. Be with you forever? that's jsut a fairy tale dream that is only wistful thinking. but to really face and moving in the dark direction is very overwhelming for me. to face the end. a definite end. i find it hard to accept. when we have been so deep. ending it now never gets better. but at least i have more time to heal. no>
dear lord, i cannot come to acceptance with myself. i feel suicidal. i can die any moment. it's just how. i can't care anything about my life now. goinfg with each day with no expectations.

suicide suicide. i wish to have you here. .

you see my mother she can't see. she can't see my sadness. she is ignorant. i am her child., and she cannot see our sadness. i fon't want to hear what you have. i need help.


why do you want to wait for me and then leave me later? what gain what happiness do you get form this.. is happiness only being together..
i cannot i fear the outcome. i fear the the rejection. my mother, she was cheated by my father. the kind hearted sensitive soul like yours. she was cheated by him she cannot see she cannot know.. she won't see the pain.. she will not see......

sometimes is it meant to be like this. i wish i can end it all. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh am i supposed to shut myself up. am i supposed to hide my feelings. because we all know, we know it will be shunned.

it's so ugly and no one wants to know. rite?

i hate you for being so patient. for being so nice. becuase one day, my actions is going to lose you.

disconnected to the world. each one a sad past, the portrait of the lychee martini. cannot come to terms with, hate me, dislike me, get grossed up by me.now, then i won't have to anticpate it later,. i hate the fact u re so lovely, my defense is weak. my inner core is weak, an overall smiling girl with a lot of sadness to hide.i f i lose you, finally becuase i made you too..i cannot get over it.

if i show my true colours, and lose you. i will love myself better.