Him

Whom do i think of when i feel helpless.
I feel that he could comfort me and be by my side.

I wished for him to hear me. I wished he would know how i am feeliong.

I'm sorry for hurts and abuse. I'm sorry for being skeptical.
I wished for forgiveness. I wished you can understand.

I wished i could be stronger, to slowly erase you from my mind.
Jeanette, I wished i can be a wholesome person.

To be at peace with things around me.



I hope that the troubles i'm dealing now.. would come to an end soon.

I hope to find happiness and love.

Rachael Yamagata

I'm fine. I'm releasing my anger. my emotions....


I'm a wonderful being. A beautful being.


I'm better than ok.

U are who u are

How do i come to terms with myself.

I love myself. My inner turmoil.

it's interesting how life works.

I can get over the past. I'm brave.

I'll be a wonderful beautiful woman.

I am...

Lovely Lovely, u are enough.

Listen to you. Open....


Corroding crumbling down the barricades.
am i so afraid of exposure..?

i am open, I am sincere.

A veil wrapped around me. Clean, soft, secure..

when the rest melts. i look into you.

would you please

It's funny this song came up on my mind.. the night we broke up.

and all i could do was replaying the song in my head.

I guess i was so determined.

Jeanette Jeanette, u'll find friendship and love.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm better than ok.

I'll find a way to see you again
I'll find a way to see you again

I used to think that anything I'd do
Wouldn't matter at all anyway
But now I find that when it comes to you
I'm the winner of cards I can't play
Wait for me, wait for me
Darling, I need you desperately, desperately here

And I'll find a way to see you again
And I'll find a way to see you again

The rain is like an orchestra to me
Little gifts from above meant to say
Girl, you falling at his feet
Isn't lovely or stunning today
Wait with me, wait with me
I'm alive when you're here with me, here with me, stay

And I'll find a way to see you again
And I'll find a way to see you again

Why do the street lamps die
When you're passing by
Like a hand that won't stay on my shoulder tonight
If you held me close, would you laugh it away
Would you dare the glance that I steal to stay

And I'll find a way to see you again
Yes, I'll find a way to see you again
I'll find a way, a way, a way to see you again
I'll find a way, a way, a way to see you again
I'll find a way, a way, a way to see you again
The rain will bring, the rain will bring, the rain will bring, bring, bring me down
The rain will bring, the rain will bring, the rain will bring, bring, bring me down
The rain will bring, the rain will bring, the rain will bring, bring, bring me down

WUSITE

I don't know what that means.

But it came up from my head

Alphabet
by
Alphabet

Oh i do hate this. why does my heart scream emptiness.

what should i do

i love amelie

i want to travel out of this world


this country.

dreaming a lonely through.


i dont' love him anymore.
i want to move on.















I love America.
I love the smell. the movies i'm in.
I love the freedom. i love

something about it.

I love tall trees.
I love sunshine.
I love yoga.
I love smiles
I love meditation.
I love amelie songs
I love excercise.
I love nature.
I love reading.
I love dreams.

25th Oct 2007.

Without this environment i'm in..

I think i may take longer than usual to feel more stable.
Though i feel upset about what i saw today.

Well, relax and try to focus on your life you're in now.

Missing you

It's taking a while for me to forget you.
I understand i can't erase the memories.
maybe someday, the pain will turn to fondness.


When you've found someone new
i guess we have to stop contacting.
This pain i don't want to go through.


What happens if we come back together?
what happens...
it's the same.
the same for me. the same for you
resistance
hurt
reluctance.

how do we live through this without pain
love is painful.

EZ

Only save,
try to find another way,
I’m taking what I gave to you again.
Some new day I could understand your face,
you could even hold my hand if you would like to.
It came up unexpected,
I had to follow through
and it’s hard when you were working like you do.
It was easy when you were younger,
you can put it back together,
it was there if you ever wanted it
but you closed the door and said goodbye for good.
So this is a mistake,
try to find a better way,
you were never fond of anything I said.
Can we begin again?
Save it for another friend,
I was happy in my life I won’t pretend,
every time you were expecting to reach out and forgive this,
I was hardened by the look upon your face,
it was easy when you were younger,
you can put it back together,
it was there if you ever wanted it,
but you closed the door and said goodbye for good,
for good…
you were easy

Marriage of Love

Be ambitious for the higher gifts.
And I am going to show you a way that is better than any of them.

If I have all the eloquence of men or of angels, but speak without love
I am simply a gong booming or a cymbal clashing
If I have the gift of prophecy, understanding all the mysteries there are,
and knowing everything
and if I have faith in all its fullness
to move mountains
but without love, then I am nothing at all.

If I give away all that i possess, piece by piece
and if i even let them take my body to burn it
but am without love
it will do me no good whatever.

Love is always patient and kind
it is never jealous
love is never boastful or conceited
it is never rude or selfish
it does not take offence
and is not resentful

Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth
it is always ready to excuse
to trust, to hope
and to endure whatever comes.

Love does not come to an end.

For someone to hear me

A yearning
to scream out my thoughts
to demand all to hear
to hear without resistance
to hear without rejection

for once
i want all to listen
to listen to me
to what i have to say

for i've been hiding
these sacred words
too many atimes

i wish for peace
peace within me to find my inner contentment

to live without resistance
but to walk with determination

A dying Heart

It is aching renewal.

Times when we see our worlds together
the memories that i cherished
the world is now lost
to fall for someone like you
so far and distant now
it used to be so far yet so near

now it's a one way track that we can never turn back

for a long while
i wished it hadnt happened
for long while
i denied myself

it's now been for a long while
yet i still grieve about that night
even though it's been brought up that it has ended

so death is the only option
the option for my heart
to stay dead for now

desperate call for you

it's like a despearate call.

maybe you don't know what to say.
so it's killing me.

Maybe you are busy hunting for a flat.
So it's killing me.

Maybe all this happened for something to happen
i'm not feeling too good.

it's so shitty. all these made me stronger.

bad encouragement.
bad support.
killed him and i.

blah... you know, I'm still waiting.
Still waiting for you to call.

piercing

it's so painful to see it taken away
it's so painful to draw back and hide.

it's so painful to see her with him.
my heart is peirced and i felt cheated.

i feel a wave of hatred and betrayal.
i feel the standing loner fool.

i feel dumb and stupid to beleive this.
it's aching aching aching

i need love

That's what i need.
day and night
i yearn for love.
the blasitng emotional kind
i've lost love and i'm indebted to love
i say no one loves me and i love no one
i need love the strong explosive kind

i seek true love but it's never there
my hopes are turning into ash as i take each eyelash and turn it into my wish

help me to recover.

Only i can do it myself.

what i'm doing now is killing me and i'm crying my heart out because i yearn for love.
someone to hug and hold me

My new aim

Work on Being Happy.

I think and feel happy thoughts

therefore I vibrate happy thoughts.

When i vibrate happy thoughts,

I attract Happiness.

18.09.07

Talking to Tay yesterday was a good decision i would say.
The best part was that i told him about me reading his emails. And about things i saw on the email.

Let me break it into good and bad parts.

First the bad parts.
1. we couldnt come to a conclusion yet
2. We know we can look for somebody, which may happen over the next 3 months.
3.Then we wont meet again
4. i talked about me being rejected twice. once when i was pregnant, 2nd, when he broke up with me in BKK.
5. I did not turn out as strong as i could be.
6. We are still friends.


Now the Good Parts.
1. We are still friends.
2. We still have some hope about later.
3. He mentioned i was one of his important people in his life.
4. He said i was very attractive.
5. He told me that the girl liked him and nothing happened between then and now.
6. He said the break-up was on impulse.
7. He was very honest.
8. I told him i've read his emails.

What do i do to stop this habit?
prying
i should know

i've got to find some better things to do

Ironically

I have this strong belief
that any relationships could work
if both are willing to.
Anyone, with anyone.
Could be done if there is a will

But, i can't say so for myself.
I tried giving up having a closer bond with my sis.
Ironically, when i had the belief of anyone can be close, only if they wanted to.

However, I always felt that my sis and i could never work out our problems.
And I felt we could never get closer.
I always felt of departing, or felt like leaving for a while.

While we sort things out.



i hope my belief still stand true.
That everyone is good by nature.
And people could love each other, only if they are willing to.

In one, In One.

Long Distance.

It's getting increasingly common. Danny's Friend Gip, really did mention about a wedding dress.
Maybe they were kidding.
So..to that topic. Marriage.

Fearful to say but wanting it so much.

Marriage of the souls. was it what i wanted??
I hoped you'll love me
i just want to feel wanted. and loved.

i want to feel secure.
I feel people will leave me.
i feel feelings might change.
I feel love is not forever.
i feel scared about dying hearts.

i feel unwanted and confused.

i feel people find others eventually.
i like to test them.
i feel sad and scared.
i am scared and sad.

i feel sorry. I feel so sad.

so sad right now.

Tay i wished you were here with me.

i wish it never had to end.


i wish i was more careful with your heart.

i wished i had loved you more.

i wished upi had come back for me. i wished to be the same again.

Yet i wished you be brave and happy.

I wish you can feel good with me and not confined.

i feel that i need not need you.

i want to be brave and strong and self-suffiecient.

i hope for the best outcome today.. tommorrow...

i pray for you.

My thoughts

"Will i see you again?"

What happens if we do what will we do when we meet
When you wanted a break. it's over.
It's unfair to say that you wanted it, since i'd initiated the topic.

I'll have to find my way. a break.
a change is always good. it's always for a reason.

Untargeted vulneribility
I wanted to be open. But i gave no limit to my boundaries.
I'm open yet closed to my authentic self.

Seeing things the way people do. Do i have a Pillar to fall back on?

Myself. I'm accepting myself more each day.

I want to feel accepted and loved.

My poor childhood memories gives me unstability and lack of support in times of difficulties.

Teach and love myself better.



I hope to give my sister a sense of security.

But i don't. Not because i don't want to. But i have my issues..

Issues with her in my bad childhood memories. Issues with me not loving myself, because i feel confined. issues with not being who i truly am in front of others.

Calmness, serenity and contentment.

Another Day Starts

To live without you.

yesterday i saw your message to me. you wanted us to have another chance.

i can't bring myself to love you again. I can't bring myself to be a stronger person. not now.

I have to hear myself out first. I have to listen and start finding things to do.

Life takes a turn. But this turn was a momentarily stop. where we stop and reflect. Do i want this?

i can. I know. I know i love him. I know that we can make it if we want...

BUT IT TAKES TWO HANDS TO CLAP.


So i guess, i'll look for my own inner happiness. To keep me fulfilled.

Don't Blame you for breaking up.
But disappointed that you mentally put an end to this.

Do you really want this?

You told me you are going to find someone else in the future, and this was going to end..

So was it a chance that you want this for awhile, only to break up later?

As said before, you and i are searching for different things in this relationship.

But you and i, loved each other.

This love, how will it sustain. What kind of love?

Are you taking another shot.. because you can't bear to lose me? as a friend, a companion?

Or someone to be part of your life?

I wonder. It's my first and his first..

Now, i start to believe that the fact that he's still young, he needs to explore.

a letter a day, for my soul

This i really wonder why we have worked out so much.
Maybe, a letter a day would do me good.

the time we stayed at phranakon was the most beautiful and lasting
memories i've had.
it was unforgettable in the time stood at a still. it felt we were
alone. i fell in love once again.

sparkles at the balcony made me recall of the time when u sent me a
pic of a heart made with swirling spakles. i missed you...

if u had loved me, u hadn't had rejected me. when u said u loved me,
were u reluctant.?

if u did loved, then why are u reluctant? times when u said u'll be
down again and again. why is it hard. i wonder how you would not
understand me.

did u not feel loved? u said u always felt the need to take care of
me. i'm not a young kid. was it because u were projecting your
weakness onto me?
silly me, i let you do that. i obliged to the things u wanted me to
give and suggested. maybe i wanted to give you all my love, maybe i
felt my love was never enough. the feelings i'm having are erratic and
i tink i could be hostile. so i tried to compensate by giving u
surprises that i've done what i thought u would like, through your
words..

giving myself a shave, doing yoga, dressing well and conservatively,
making friends,
watching shows u've watched, smoking shisha, more recently playing games..

i told myself they were part of being a couple and doing things that
each other liked. but u took it as me giving you too much love. maybe
what i did was overdoing for a long-distance thing. i don't know.

maye i've never had a chance to be intimate with you. to say my words
out. i guess i can never do it,, because i fear rejection. which is
already the case. when i have an emotional outbursts.. usual;y
concerning us, you've gotta bear with it.

u said it was not because i'm over emotional. then what is it?

i keep finding my errors...that i could have done something
better. i wanted perfection, i wanted you. i still want you, and i
still hope you would someday come back to me. i've not forgotten the
times together, the things u said over the phone and how nice u were
to me, i guess u are a nice guy and a good catch.
confident and rising. pleasing and secure.

but u did not love me. not now, not anymore. not forever. u need to
find other partners, u needed variety, i'm thinking of then when u sent
messages to this girl. i can't stop you by questioning you. we are
lovers, but i invaded some sort distrust, so it's unfair to speak of
it. i guess .. i m not sure.

i hope you can give me an answer. an answer of some sort.

but the answer lies within me. i know i'm a nice girl. and that's why
you loved me so long. we could have ended earlier. but maybe it's
time for us to leave now. when you are exploring and need and a urge to
explore. ..

and so i should accept, with grace. that this has an end to it.

the night u left me at samran place was almost unbearable. i wanted to
die. and leave. i wanted something. safe, closeness. but it was
heart-wrenching. all the things u said in the hotel.. u just wanted to
feel better and i let you in. once more. i could not bear it, and u
left. u did not sent me to the airport. how do i forgive.

i wanted closure, for the girl u called dear. but it's my doing for
checking you phone. i feel a need to, and urge to know your
whearabouts. but yet i feel further from you. further and further
away. the trust is lost..and so is our relationship.

tay i'm sorry for what i've done. but i've always been faithful to you.
i wanted an outcome, but u wanted an ending. so that's our parallel
lives.

show

hello you there
i feel shameful of myself
losing hiding in one corner hiding myself
away from him
how useless writing my feelings here ..writing my feelings here instead of showing him
i want to show someone my blog

but who?
him? my sis?
pam?
will i be able to write once more?
how will i feel?


like a sponge
absoring the thougths of everyone
when willl it be too heavy?
when will it drain out and feel light again

sensitive insensitive
conscious unconscious
unfeeling

our relationship cant work
unless both put in the effort

genie my cousin i'm thinking of you
sometimes i feel i'm like you
hiding your moods in one box
forever searching
lost like a child losing its way home
i wonder how

tay, missing you
i hope to be hopeful

pessimist or optimist
half half
sometimes i feel like a pessimist
i fear this
i fear that
but i'm always hopeful


these days i'm not
i'm letting go hopes
im letting it be

there's a constant struggle
i want to know how all these happened
why it happened
my struggles

monday morning

Hello Tay,

i very much wanna call your mobile

i wonder if u are awake now

hesitant and worried that you are angry for me not calling

i'm worried of alot of things

should i just call? did you have fun last night?

are you back from hua hin ?

slept through the night?

i miss you

want to come see you again

maybe later huh

the thought on the part of seperation is hard to bear

would be a long time when we see each other again

pain

seeing you again and again

so painful

this process feels forever

trust the process, some say

i hope i stay strong for you

am i selfish to want you again and again?

i hope to make this lighter but it's pretty painful

tay, i wonder if the time will ever come
or will the pain be forever embedded in our lives
to always remember this love this unforgettable love

dear tay, the future is uncertain and unlit

is there anything we can do to make it better?

will you leave thailand for me
will you?

will i leave singapore for you?

that much struggle....
even though it's later
we'll still never know the outcome

guess we have to do something
for that something must be an action against your fears or mine


to want to hold you so tight is so painful

all the advice in the world would not make me sane again
if i dont' see you once more

Such a funny dream well all dreams are funny isnt it

sick tay who is an actor having girls visiting him all night
alot of admirers and my thought was saying he is an actor and he will grow up having more women after him. he will have more women. pretty, sexy girls.

his eyes are injured the right eye and can't see. therfore, there is no way he can see me i'm observing at a corner

my maid appears, and is the one deeply in love with him. she goes underneath the bed and above him floating

tay shall we break up?

is there a point in getting us hurt in the end?

is there any point for me to stay on

should i stay on will there be an outcome do you want me in the end

will we hurt ouselves further?

dear tay, i had dreams of you many dreams and they seem hesitant and telling me not to take you in my life i don't know you have a bright future ahead of you and we are heading in different directions.

you probably want more girls in your life and have more fun

whilst i'm looking at the opposite

that's how i feel about this i'm so stubborn i dont' know what to say what can i say

am i childish to think this way

do you still love me as before?

do i love myself dear god,

where's the answer i wonder

tay tell me how you would like this to be?

tay you said you wished for this to be easier

will it be so?

tay will you still love me

there's more fishes out there

after you graduate, is there some urge to come work here?

is there anythign yoou want

why i'm asking all these is that should i wait

is there a need

why ask

beacuse i'm feeling lonely and silly

and inscure about you

i'm feeling terrible that looking at your messages makes me feel that there will be more

departed.once and again

Explosion, like you told your sister.
the lonely feeling comes again. what comes next?

what comes next
i wonder if you have cheated. i saw your phone messages and knew something was amidst

the love you gave me here
is it the same you gave to others?
do you have someone there. back in thailand

yes. i need a confirmation to walk away

is he cheating on me?
how do i ask him
does he like someone there

i wonder i wonder
is it always so hard

now that you left
my heart starts to sink
automatically it gets used to the pain of departing
now i'm staring to feel a little numb

now i try to do as much work to get back to the life and think less of your doings

should i have looked into you phone
why delete saved messages?

those sweet nothings you said to me before are less heard.
my messages in your phone are not treasured even though they are our form of daily doings

yesterday in the cab, you criticised my sister and said i'm just like her
something about our insecurity
he held my hand while saying it which i dont know if it was out of concern
but he ended off the conversation
i don't care

am i like my sister ? is it wrong or terrible to feel like this

numbing my pain
i try not to think about good times
but it's flooding my mind
as i work on not thinking of you
it's consuming each breath and life is taking a slow turn when i think of places we've been

avoiding the pain
i pain myself more
if it consumes you too tell me

if it hurts you to leave, tell me
if life is painful without me, tell me.

tell me i'm not the only one feeling it
tell me you are in this with me

tell me love,
tell me something


reacting to his messages i can't react
when i react there is pain how was i like when he was here

he has changed. sociable and livelier he is now
which made me wonder if he is happier as there's another woman in his life
because i'm feeling sadder and more attached

which really makes me wonder if these all made sense

dear lord,
i feel used, i feel i'm the girl he has in singapore and another in thailand
the messages miss you, sending me home gives me insecurity about his socialising outside

are men flirts
should i catogarise him as those men
should i view him individually

in this relationship
where should i stand firm and feel that it isn't right
how should i stop
even though he said it was just messages


dear lord,
when he departed, i felt he's going back to another love one
should i ask him?

Good Morning to me.

How have i felt these days

the fighting chance to live

i care alot of myself and little of others



little consideration of people's feelings and space

Look at me

I"m not a very attractive girl.
i can be quite insecure.
look at me, i'm adorable.
but my thoughts are wild and rampant.

don't let me pull you down.

Look at me. i feel closeness. i want to hold you tight and longer.

if dreams are real then my world is beautiful
because i dreamt of you as my man.

Reading back my posts

I realised i tense up easily
i worry alot maybe sometimes for nothing
maybe that's just me.
i think alot
i should calm down and take things easy.

of course
hoping, wishing for a marriage will not give u a good feeling.
because u are insecure
and ur inner self is telling it will not work out if u want to be married for that reason
to feel secure

why would u want to marry tay?
when he's just 21 and not completed his studies?
Is there a reason?
to not feel abandoned..to feel safe?
to not undergo trauma.. are u afraid?
not that u will undergo the trauma.

but have no fear

things with you are fine the way it is.

i love how he would hold me nad hug me.
love how he would hold me close to kiss me on the forehead.

Marry me

why did you say that you don't think we'll get married?

why? why? i feel like you are thinking too much

u put a stop to our relantionshop a chance to blossom into something better u killed my hopes

u said something that killed my dreams i hate u i dont understand why u said that

should i ask my sister why did u think it's not possible your words affected me so much i hate why you said it u are so mean

tay did u love me why don't u think u





i feel we might not

i'm scared i feel we will we will live happily together i feel good with you u make me feel great i feel very good the words people say i just listen with a pinch of salt



i hope u'll understand my thoughts i hope u do

Am i supposed to think that the trip is cancelled?

why do i think so much



Yesterday when you texted me, it seems that things were fine.





until i texted you about my day,

i mentioned that i 've also missed you much..



when u replied you said i'm ok.. had a good dinner..on the way home..nite nite!

about love?

why? do u not miss me? am i wondering so much?



then i text back that my dad just brought back some crabs..

no reply from you,...



what was i doing the whole time

iafter i text the last msg

i went down

chit chatted with everyone.

i had a good time talking to pple

i even found the guy interesting.

i also thought of you. i thought why you hadnt text me back

i wondered and wondered



1 hour later,

i went back to the room and couldnt sleep.

i thought that you might not want to go to the trip..maybe you like someone else

maybe you are tuned off by me

maybe this maybe that



i tried to sleep through the night and woke up a few times..sitrred up by the night's events even though it was minor. i felt awake. tried not to think of it so hard. Even secretly hoping for the the next day to start so i could contact you.



i tried rep[laying the scene in my head..

is it because you do not want to go krabi? it's funny why you did not update me about the trip.

maybe uare being nice by not telling me now, cause my exams are nearing or something...



i seem to have a lot of issues with myself thinking alot



i'm sensitive. very sensitive.sighhhh

i doubt we can stay together anymore

i'm getting sick of fake dreams

both of us are dreaming away

wasting away our time



temporal love first love

what are all this

this will never happen

can never happen



i hate all this

travelling seeing each other and all that

My Distraction

I hope you know by now that my daily distraction is him
if i can't prevent it...embrace it.

Learn to control what i am thinking about.
because distance is the only factor
and the greatest factor.

Today 26th May 2007

wonder how fear takes us through phrases of our life

confronting my fears is a fear of itself
looking deep into my complexities i feel refreshed.

open, vulnerable but unsually courageous.
to admit to my deeds and doings are hard to face.

I hope with practice i'll learn.

i see myself
am i a bystander?
am i an observer?

or am i healing me..
i learn from my past emotions.. and i handle it with exceeding raw truth..
raw truth of what my mind calls evilness or kindness.. or harmful thoughts... wahh??

what am i saying..

at this computer again

drain drain drain my thoughts away...

let it be cleansed and may i revive

openess to fate

is this the process am i'm putting through?

alot to think thoughts to think...

may i hear a calling.

The dream i had

I feel like i'm trapping him and holding on to what 's not mine.

To something unique and because it was what people wanted. I felt that i captured him so as to show that i was with this bird that acutally wants freedom.

He so happened to crash into my premise.
When he wanted to fly away, i held him back. thinking it would be nice if i could capture a moment with this rare and fantastic opportunity.

But he wanted to move, he wanted to fly away.. and i hadnt thought about it. In my mind, it was for fun and it would not hurt a little if i've gotten my camera.

So i locked him in a box while i got my camera. I had to insert the batt into the cam, and at that time, i was being clumsy. The poor sparrow was screaming for help... i panicked but finally go the darn camera working... i rushed up to see the sparrow.

i was anxious and almost could not rememeber where i placed it... And then i saw his legs. It was then that i began to worry that it could be dying.. I gingerly opened the door.. hoping for the best and at the same time, not wanting the bird to get away, I saw it, still there..

And i said to myself, okay i'm gonna snap a few pictures and it'll be over.. But the camera wouldnt snap! the snap button was jammed and i tried so hard to snap it, only the flash was glaring. it was glaring at the poor bird.. then i think it took 1 pic of us.

I wanted to be sure the pic was taken properly and so i tried very hard to take another......


Then i woke up.

Can someone tell me what this is.

i feel this is Tay and I. Tay, who so happened to have met me on his last night here...

it's already hurting to write further..

When would i wake up from this dream

when. Dreaming for my life a perfect love.
i know now he is not the one.
when will i wake up from this dream.

stop myself from wasting time and thinking about he future.. from my point.. it seems i see him leading a happy life with a pretty woman in a luxurious condo in Thailand.

me. In the meantime, where will i be?

Stuck here in Sg. dreaming of a perfect life. working not working.. thinking not thinking. the men.. gone not gone.. what i've been receiving now.. love, support. i/m grateful..

start thinking of my future stop day dreaming..

dreams are broken.. my dreams are not meant to be broken.. never stop dreaming. and hoping.

Look at yourself Jeanette. where have you been. Is this how u would like to wait for love to come.

start looking around. Tay has all the time in the world. U're different. it's different for you.

Lifestyle. age. time is not on your side. u also got to start thiking practical. relaying this message to you a number of times, you turn it iunto your kind of dreams..

wake up. wake up. grow up.... it's time u do something.

tay will wait for me?

will he wait ? In your heart it says unlikely..

so stop reading his gmails facebook and wondering what he is up too.

so try to stop hoping for a future. basically try to drop the idea that this is forever.

try to stop yourself from loving him.....


i need to see his email i need to know what he is up tooo... i think now, it is a crucial time for you to concentrate on your studies. and when u finish! U WILL KNOW.. U WILL START TO DISCOVER.

perk up

melancholy

my heart sanked as i received his text message
the things i said to make him feel this way
alas, my efforts hasnt been wasted
to say what i wanted to happen

but
i wonder

if i did really wish for this
the outcome is still blurry in my head

my mind is misleaded
by words from others
i took what i decided to take in

has it been a bumpy ride in my head
to wish for things to be clear

things aint clear without the silence of my soul

phone ringing
i wished it was him

evil spirits

yo semidee yo semidee.. the world is my playground.
likes of a window, tucked under the sheets.
paintings of renoir, dreams on my bed

a sawdust, watering my eyes
the crying of the unspoken heart

evil thoughts of sunshine and rain
both come together to create distraught in the minds

little by little they come inevitably
my hearts aflaming
my soul's drowning in the tidal waves

the sea, the wind, the natures of this world
becomes emotions of my heart

likes of likes 'evils from within
can u picture the words of my heart?

Long time..

So i haven't had any impulse to write and inspiration to post.
i do actually have lots of impulses and they stop when i turn the com. my mind is not ready to say stuff to words.. should i think before i write or write what comes ? my English is soo bad as said by my sister. am i really horrible? do i take things personally.. why do i always defend myself i reflect on myself and block out bAD THOUGHTS ABOUT me. it wasn't meant to be in caps.. but i feel so much for this relationshop. i think we ;re stuck and don't know how to move on. even when i see him and when he does. i think we wil be back to the same. i'm stuck we're all stucjk. am i denying myself> i wonder... darn it's like forever.. i can't help it. blaocking it out... can't i can't help myself my life. am i a horrible person. selfish and all. yes it says. al i wanted is to get awya and hide from my things.. i feel like a wehat fo u call that. a spoilt brat? nope, a free-loader in my family. shucks i feel like a pain and i dissapointed so many . so much grammatical errors, i can take it. yoga ,,,,, helps me noe?? aahhh....i hae=ve so much yet so little. i have so little yet so much. both ways, mentally emotionalydfhoasjfoajsfojoasf sick head in the head.

Will he cheat?

will he cheat? why does he cheat...i'm so upset with my dad for flirting. i don't even know if he slept with the chinese girls. ah.. learn to compartmentalize my fears. it does not apply to all. hate it.

seems like i have to work extra hard to make this work and to keep my man faithful. so not easy. easier to read a book. easier if i've cheated. easier if i felt secure.

too much is never enough. darn. all the wonders in the world... i think i can only be detached. be detached with the sense that i do not own a man. that i cannot control his feelings/behaviour.

but i can. and i should do what i think i'm able to afford with him..

give, with no expectations.
take, with love and gratitiude.

expectations makes you control.

however, expecations in work...expectations with yourself. have it higher. placed it higher....
learn to expect, drive yourself to better life. strive...

emails

am i a pocessive person or what?? i'm prying into his personal information. His emails, should i feel comforted that my pam is doing it? should i?

and what did the dream tell me? it's real and scary.. hilted me,ditched me, i;m very self centred. today i found out about myself and i can jsut be so excited making people speak of my good points. itay is my guy, my man, i wanna marry him . but he is young. what if he regrets? what if he wants to try out later in his life? that's why i should not force him. i should not be impatient. that's not so that i should search around, as that's not making me feel good that there's people out there/. i should not flirt arounf. rather, give him signals that i am happy with him, like him much and all...

HELLO THERE

HELLO THERE
i get intimidated by writing this
seems like someone i know would chance upon this

Even when i am at home writing on my journal
A great sense of possibility that my feelings might be exposed

Well.

i feel what i speak does not make any sense.
i mumble too

Either i do not speak my mind

or

my mind is in a riot

without consideration

it does not make sense to people at all..

there is so much i want to do

painting, arts, acting, does it give me a sense of fulfillment?
a stir of excitement when i see good works

tay mentioned, it gives him an orgasm,, tay we are so similar but writing this down hurts. i am so unsure of the fututre, and always putting these thoughts aside.
they confront me during the day

I lie, don't I? On how we can still be together...

When i graduate.
Starting to work, i will be busy and may not find time to go down and see him.

u think? He would be doing his work and all. ahh. there are times times i don't know If i want to let it go, just to prevent hurt in the future. i want to just end it, as there is little possibility.

Also, I do think he is like me.

If he is like me, then it means laziness and that means he might not come,
no motivation no confidence. ahhh.. i want to see this work at least. we try... know we are trying now. and if it doesn't happen. it is at least we tired. sigh.. how to lvoe someone so much and yet not see each other. god must be playing tricks on us.

loving him yet we can't be together. the stuggles of getting closer. stop being os pessimistic and cheer up about the future.

we have to open up to more opportunities, am i using this toavoid the issue of opeing up??

boys..be cold to them and they turn nice
be nice and they take u for granted!

Too-tight-a-schedule

I think i'm having too much things going on in my life
and i would have a break-down soon.
the reason why i'm like this, i figured out while walking back home from the day job at the clinic is, that i don't love myself enough? or that i'm impatient for things to take its course?

For now, focusing on my jobs and tasks becomes challenging. for they happen at the same time in a week.

i love everything but somethings really need more attention than the others.. example, my mental health and reflections. i do think that i'm escaping from my inner realm, maybe i'm not facing up to what i am and can do. Or maybe i'm too anxious to find out the end.

I read in several self-help books...gosh i'm having a mental bloack, what was i about to type? erm. yes, the process to your goal is far more fruitful than the end results.

i have the time to myself and i will have to appreciate it. and not spent on things that is not quite important now.

long and hard the mind twirls
it seems that the only light i see is the artificial lights
no glowing light in me i feel faint

words never express how i feel
i want ot you goin goto leave me> he doesn;t know what can you say.

i wonder if this is i'm not ok... no not okay..

long and hard it become.,
frainging you with my emotions...

crying and shouting!

now that we come to be like this, i can't blame on anything exceot on my emotions. my emotions are very unstable. this i s my official first relantionship together. when i come face to face to you and talk 'live" nothing comes out. i find it hard to say anything real to you. now i cant and am thinking of you this very minute and the last 1000.

it seems uncontrollable. that you will abandon me. but who brought this upon us? i wonder hard and there is no one. i entered into this willingly and i cannot stay strong. i want to hang on. but hanging on is not the solution. i want to find a cure to this downard, spiral emotions. i refuse to see a pschotherapist because that means i'm quite crazy. and crazy is a scary word. people view this negatively and i can't bring myself to think i'm like this. shunned by the rest and looking upon in a very wierd way and the only cure is to get cured. i won't want to be that way. i refuse and protest because i find there's nothing wrong at all feeling all these. i find it hard to admit because ppl will say go get it treated but i want to say there's nothing wrong being this. depression uncertainty. if i troubnle you too much, that's because there's a lot in me that hasn't been answered. the words the questions. Be with you forever? that's jsut a fairy tale dream that is only wistful thinking. but to really face and moving in the dark direction is very overwhelming for me. to face the end. a definite end. i find it hard to accept. when we have been so deep. ending it now never gets better. but at least i have more time to heal. no>
dear lord, i cannot come to acceptance with myself. i feel suicidal. i can die any moment. it's just how. i can't care anything about my life now. goinfg with each day with no expectations.

suicide suicide. i wish to have you here. .

you see my mother she can't see. she can't see my sadness. she is ignorant. i am her child., and she cannot see our sadness. i fon't want to hear what you have. i need help.


why do you want to wait for me and then leave me later? what gain what happiness do you get form this.. is happiness only being together..
i cannot i fear the outcome. i fear the the rejection. my mother, she was cheated by my father. the kind hearted sensitive soul like yours. she was cheated by him she cannot see she cannot know.. she won't see the pain.. she will not see......

sometimes is it meant to be like this. i wish i can end it all. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh am i supposed to shut myself up. am i supposed to hide my feelings. because we all know, we know it will be shunned.

it's so ugly and no one wants to know. rite?

i hate you for being so patient. for being so nice. becuase one day, my actions is going to lose you.

disconnected to the world. each one a sad past, the portrait of the lychee martini. cannot come to terms with, hate me, dislike me, get grossed up by me.now, then i won't have to anticpate it later,. i hate the fact u re so lovely, my defense is weak. my inner core is weak, an overall smiling girl with a lot of sadness to hide.i f i lose you, finally becuase i made you too..i cannot get over it.

if i show my true colours, and lose you. i will love myself better.

random things start
what do i say hmm when will i write proerly
now i'm stubborn> self-reflection hmmmm yes no?
wonder can it be yea or no?

lalallala so much things to do i'm glad i've sorted out the accounts
worried
sooo worrriiieidd yikes

yikjessss find the pill!! yesssss

cest le vie cest la looo.... i'm glad i'm upset do i need theraypy
i get these daily roller coaster thoughts and it never ends till something drastic happens...


let's write what do i want o say to him?

hi tay,
how's the weather? is it good? no note like this abit formal don't you think?
hi tay
how have you been. evrythings ok for you?
you know lately i don't know how to continue waiting> it's a long wait> are you waiting for something?

you know tay, do u love me and accept my faults. you know tay i've been very worng to you and... no not unfaithful.

do you want to marry me? do you do you? is it a long wait? i wonder what we'll be fine.

what have your plans been abt us? I"m thinking of moving over to work. i've been thinking of staying thailand to work. so if this ends it ends lah???

365

i think we're closer when you're in London
don't you think?

at least there's webcam
at least there's less distraction

In london.. i wonder how it looks
i'd love to be there with you

at least we get to send others gifts

tomorrow is our official year together