like this like this

if i have been unstable in the relationship then i must be wrong

what do i have to do to sustain this?

this needs maintenance

am i very worried

the trouble of my soul

have i come to my senses?

Is this the way to it

wonder if they are other options

why don't we take a step down from it and lead lives more carefree

you've done all you could you've put in all

and now i'm worried if u'll still do

now it's time to let it go.... all the memories

can i let this go

my heart is still beating

maybe we should take a step down

let this be the last time we meet

and we'll see in a few years

let bangkok be our meeting place

let zouk be where we fall in love

i dont' love you
i dont' how to

i try my might

i can't love you like you do


so much to feel
so little to say
all i can say and put to words
are in my own accounts

you can't see it
i wish you could
i wish you'd see how i loved you

i wish i knew you better
i wish i know how you feel
i wish you to be for the better
i wish you love me forever and ever
like in fairy tales
then i can give my heart all to you

don't cheat on me
be faithful

i will be faithful
be strong, i wished

my love
you 've showed me how to care
you showed me love
i never got from otherss
you showed me who i am
and who you can be
you showed me how strong love is
you are beautiful

i love you

say you

the journey of understanding

leads me nowhere


far far

come back

back

i hope to hold you

call call

i hope u'd call

dreams dreams

i hope to see you

love love

it's you i think of

longing longing

the endless longings

feel feel

i feel ur soul

life life

the way it is

i love myself

how do i learn to understand what goes around

the people around me are giving me shit

my sis is at it once again

she dargssss

my whole day taken up

"i should have" is not an excuse




when should i leave?

should i leave?

the world

alot of times i think of suicides

that i will not take this longer

my body wants to rest

god

my soul is weak

will leave

the world

someday

its late

Victory Victory Victory that's my guiding word will i turn insane? that i'll never know i'm now in a foreign place, at a street called charoen still stuck to this i wonder what this brings me now me being thick-skinned open open open up open up be more open what tay said in the car i felt he embarassed me!! Have more confidence he said i should janette open open open love urself more if he abandons you ? how are u goin g to take it? idiot he didnt call didnt look for me so diff from b4 not anxioua not anxious at all damn fuck you!!!!!! i bet u are int eh room sleeepin readin comics when i return huh? where havbe u beeen sayin i throw tantrums so what i have no confidencce!! say what? damnu idiot wait till i warm up heated up i hate u ' the hellu been why am i here/ DO I REAAALY EWANT THSI? WHY AM I so certain this would work i dont know and i dun wanna waste more time money the ridiculous things we do he could have called he just didngt am i goinf to be alright???! fuck u u there wake up and call me ahh! what no confidence and hitting me do u really think i have no confidence? i'll show u i'm afarid to scold them it's not rig th so why dun u tell them off? i t hink i should le tthem, carry on and they are fine why hiot me and tell me off int he care urrghjh jeanette i realise u get very uipset over comments it's commetns howdo u handle this?? now i want to go back and killl!!! him darmn jerkkkkk fucker hate him urrghhh j jeanttte victory victory calm down calm down why do i think he till wants me?? why do i think he would like this why do i think this will come good??? whaat the fuck my own wishful thinking i better get honme it's late and i should stop waiting ? be independent it's nothing just getting fussed up over small things thinking too much jeanette love u take care go home soon and rest well he should be asleep nvm that u should be able to take care of yourself love urself take care the doenst have to love me to make me ive he down have to love me to love myself me a big huge piece should take care of myself love ttyl

my bus ride

usually filled with thoughts and philosophy
but nowhere to put it

now i'm on this com
stuck

my mind at blank
struggling to fill an entry
of what went through me today

searching searching for the words to say

my thoughts of life
dimmed by my inability to think
my world a maze
because my future
ican't plan

my thoughts unclear
so i thought i'd write this


my special someone
for him i'd stay strong

the passion the dreams maketh love
it kills your dying thoughts so it can relive your life

i'd be a writer
i'd be an artist
i;d be an actor
i'd be alive

Quando Quando Quando

the longer we are together now, the more reality hits
and the better i am to come to terms with it
the longer we are together, the more uncertain the future is
and i can move on if u are going too

because i've loved u and i still have hopes
i'm waiting now

Dear Lord, the person up there
am i waitng for a dark end? and fading light?

do i still want to wait and how long?
i tell myself never to question this
because an ans now would mean a diff ans at the end

but when uncertainties hit
these qns become part of my raging mind

How true is it?

Does astrology work?

my sign and my bf's is not exactly compatible.
we are both the same.

i believe it so much. because me and my guy are so alike.

is it?

sigh, but there are couples who have compatible signs but never work out.

so do signs tht aren't compatible.

is it because you believe in it?

how real is it?

or is it my own thinking but blame it on the horoscope

darn

i think so much

right now, tay doesnt have his phone with him

so we dont communicate as usually

ahh we are killing each other

so much goin on

we can't do things together we need each other to stay grounded

stay grounded jeanette

this r/nship will die fast like that!!!

stay grounded

keep focus, dun lose track

even if you do end up together

stay sane

stay focus

keep him grounded too

it's here

Touching to my inner depth
the depth of myself

myself
my hopes

me
my expectations

don't feel the love don't feel the love

keep myself practical
i miss my love

if things were better
i wished he was here

but there won't be space for growth

Rabbit

I see a life so hurt and restricted.

She was borned from a cage, and lived her life there.
In a matter of hours, her life would end.

I pray you'd live in a better world
with grassy lands and friends abound

where you'd find love and freedom.

a long one

I feel unsure and if he is the right one for me
He's the first, and sometimes i wonder if it's just my imagination that i love him so deeply
because we are so alike
there are a number of times when we are both silent and feels awkard for both of us
we are too similar in certain times but i hope we can get pass this stage
that we live with this silence but i'm sure we motivate each other in different ways

now i just hope the distance will be good for us to grow but not grow apart
everyday i worry about how we might turn up and it just doesn't help much in the relationshop
evryday is like an episode, waiting for the end to come.

I'll focus on the essential that is my studies and my surronding emvrionment

This Love, we can't judge it's too far. and i can't predict even though i would like to knwo the outcome. no one would know.

what is this topic about again? my mind shoots random thoughts and i hope to clear this out

There are ups and downs in life. there will be very bad times. and when that happens pick yourself up and no use getting stuck in the moment for too long. But when you are at your lowest, there's no way but up again.

You can't hope for smooth road. that happens in fairty tales. you learn from mistakes and accept what you have aim for the highest you could achieve...

accounts

You need one hour a day to yourself
You spent the rest of your day communicating with others

One hour alone is like 3 hours with others.

But when you are with others, you are spending much time reflecting on yourself too.

duh!

Ponder

Yoohoo, U there? The book affected me so much.

I thought about my relationship a long time. i wonder if you'll wait for me, if i'll be with you.

I see how couples are together. i deny myself from this happiness of feeling your warmth. Like the book, the man yearn for his girlfriend's warmth, the woman stays insane in the hospital. He can't see her, just like how she can't do the same.


how do i live with this understanding. how do i understand that the rest of my relationships would be this way.


how will i understand that things will never belong to an individual. it's never owned.



Until i see that, i can't bring myself to love right with no withholding.

It's sad. i cant' see ya .

How did we begin. and why was is so intense............. was it love? Did my mind go right?

Do i love u? Is there much love between us?



My mind will be questioning these till i get the answer for myself...

The Flight

Shuttering back and forth the feelings of quietness, agitation and over stimulation and desperation

i feel handicapped. disabled and useless to the society

I keep myself busy

but the moment i'm left home alone

i yearn to break out of it

my life has been stimulated by the same people

the people in and out of my life are the same in my most usual routine.
work and home

my regime has been the same day and night

work- meet colleagues
home- family
out- sister
anticipation- boyfriend
friends- same and rare

my life too mundane

i see too little


After this. I'll go back to do the same thing

read and wait for calls.

I'm ms plain Jane. tooooo plain jane.

Sunshine just after the rain
the sun shines softly over the concrete paths
a light breeze through the walk
feelings of lightness and a little happiness stirs inside
the leaf dews gently shimmers in the yellowness

water trickling down the
it's cool and refreshing

whispers of the rain
the branches lightly sway

it's surreal

a smile upon your face
your face lightly glows
your inner realm crawls out
the darkness dissolves away
the ball of purity releases

relationships

HAndling relationships. I feel like a freshie in all.

Im bad in keeping contact with friends, family.I find it hard. i don't know what they are thinking i feel shunned at the same time i shun them don't know what this is. i'm sick of this. to and fro startin a new tie over. so many things feeling the same way over again. feeling down. feeling happy. so unstable. i need some one here. but someone here i'm bad at keeping too. i hate the fact that it has to be this way. i wish to have it changed.

pam. the closest one i have i claim to have. is away now. but very little calls from her and no responses. distant. i dunno if we've grwon apart or it is just this way. ppl grow andppl gfrow out of the habit of loving. but they still love you.

I need love, constant love. and i feel hanged easily. i get overaroused.

Its funny.

Having said that, How do i keep a long dist r/nshop? i cna't get too attached.
But he is quite needy at times. he is quite passionate. i dont' think needy now. now that he feels he've gotten me. But have he? I think so. I think of him 24r/7. Do my best too be what he likes. i 'm trying so hard. when he text, i take note of the times he got upset when i don't. what ihe enjoysm, i take note. give it to him in excess.
Try to please him.

Maybe i'm new in this kind of relationship. maybe i don't understand men as well as pam, fannie, siste... women who had r/nships with men before. yep, i wnat to keep this one. but seems like it's slipping away. dreadful.

HSPs

I love the rainbows
It brings all moods together

HSPs

If you have read my previous blogs
You'll realize that i'm somewhat emotional and inconsistent

With the ups and downs of the rollercoaster
sensitive to changes and the environment



I bought a book recently.
titled"the Highly Sensitive Person"

Sometimes

It all feels like a dream
You wonder when it'll be fulfilled

Sometimes
i pause and wonder
whether we'll see the end

Sometimes
the phone feels like my own deception
that i'm holding on to a disappearing, faint glow of light

Sometimes
love don't feel real
cause there's no physical contact

but i've got to believe in myself.


In love
that it comes.

Good Day Blogger

what shall i write?

I know..

about yesterday.

Yesterday we talked. we talked about things that has nagged me for long.

I feel better knowing how he feels.

Nope. the future isn't bright.

I go with my feelings at the moment.

If Love is so calculative, then i'm not loving right.

For I fear risk, fear hurt.



But i'll regret break-ups and i'll hurt both now.

I guess i'll do what I feel, and be prepared for the worst.

Holding back, waiting and listening to what one feel abt things doesn't feel good.




I am myself.

I shall stop myself from excuses.

Kept deluding me, fooling me.

Keep it real.

Ok. Factors that made msging less.

Ok. factors that made msging less.

he can't answer use the internet very much.


he is sick.


he has his exams to study.


he doesn't have feel good being home.

he misses me.


Doesn't these all lead to callin me more???

He

He doesn't call anymore
He stops praising me

It used to be when i msg
he'll almost immediately return the sms.

He stops saying i love yous
More recently, he hasn't replied to my msgs

If i'm away, he'll miss me.
and leave me an email or text.
he'll try till i think he's a little paranoid.

Right now
Morning greetings are just morn greetings.
I sense he's bored.

he left, with me tearing.
i felt like i was the one loving him more.
it didn't feel right. i had to love him more.

nothing about the photos we took.
nothing about wanting me.

only about him having a bad time.
only about his family.

we took great photos.
but he said i looked like a grandma.

awaiting, anticipation is high.


for your call...


when i said i couldn't call nor msg yest,
he didn't reply.

last nite, over msn,
while i was away, he just typed a lo?.
i was in the shower.
Did it take long?
he didn't wait. even thou we couldn't talked on phone last nite.

this afternoon,
i saw him came online briefly,
but upon checkin him a few mins later,
he's offline.
he could be wanting no interruption.

just now
i msegd him i've got my fone.
asked him how's things and said i missed him.

he hasn''t replied..

it usually takes half a min for him to msg
however, it's an hour ago..

we haven't communicate since yest aft.
yet he seems ok with it.
i'm afraid he's bored, worse, finding me bothersome.

I've opened up alot to you in sg.
my fears, my love for you.
my insaneness.
i wasn't shy, unlike what you said.

Yet, when my sis talked about you coming down in future,
you seemed like u didn't want to talk abt it.
you replied." i have to pass this year first, im still young."

after you left.

you told me you felt sad for me, but assured me you are "ok".
you told me you feel bad about how things were, and that thou we will not be married, that u still love me.

i felt a sharp pain and was unable to express my emotions
when you brought up the subject.
i still feel insecure abt those words.

maybe cuz i brought up negativeness abt our future.
but only because i wanted assurances from your words.

u gave me vague msgs to ponder.

at last, you affirmed to me we were to have a sad ending.

how am i to feel..

this long distance r/nship
i want it to last
not for fairytale dreams
but because i love you.

i feel sad
i tear when you aren't responding.

and it's cause i've missed you.

ifs. the ?

today i'll try to write about my feelings
what do i feel trapped between my fears and my love

somehow i want to be there for him

but i don't know how too

should i call him daily and ask him how he is

should i text him and say i miss you

should i tell you my fears of us ?

what if u get turned off?

what if u lose interest?

what ifss.

several what ifs.

must i love u ?
can u tell me

have i hurt you?

am i nonchalent?

Is my behaviour unneccessary?

will i? shall i?

i miss u.


come here.

love me once more.

call me.

kiss me.

and miss me.

i think of you often, you've come into my life. made it brighter, better. your voice your texts
it soothes i must have fallen for you.

now it seems u leave a trace in my room
your scent it lingers on

till the day you come
till the day you love me
i miss you.

when i'm down here
i have forgotten what i've to say..

is it wrong?
for me to bring a man home?

it's too early to familiarize him to my family

this is nutz....

my family
he has seen me all

reading all this rules book

makes me paranoid

loving me less

gettin used to it

insommia

I hate you hate you hate you



just needed to vent my feelings...


wah....


what have i done!?


shuckss.......


shldn't shldn't shldn't.

back to texting

Draining, so draining.




i must be paranoid.




how????



in love with your flaws and your best.

longing

I'm waiting
for the day you love again
for the time you feel alive again

maybe, it's to some other one.

maybe, still to me.

Dear me,

So enough of work. of being the cover-up.
It's frustrating, these disputes.
My name used everywhere.
Yet you don't realised
I haven't been paid yet.
My salary, not promised.

I'm freaking fed-up.

Dreams

How far away are them to reality?

Sometimes I dreams of things that feel as real as experiences

Experience- a resultant from reality



Dreams feel to me

And what's left from reality are experiences that you think of

Dreams connect to you and

enter into your brain


Only you get the pleasure or fear
of seeing them

Reality are shared with many
Somtimes they pain, sometimes they bring joy

I guess the sad thing of illusionising is that they can never be shared
and eventually, you put it aside
For there is none whom u can relive this.


Dreams prompt you
Dreams warn you

Yet they don't scar, and you can't hold.

Virtual Insanity

I think i'm getting a stroke

On my relationship

First one in

and we get too involved...

How can i step back a little ?


When he comes

Will he be expecting much?

i HOPE i know how to hold on to emotions

I wish i can control my emotions better

than let this love get over me

my studies

pam...

I sincerely wished you were here

then i can hold back better


I know myself

Not let this reck my life
my sanity

Virtual Insanity

I think i'm getting a stroke

On my relationship

First one in

and we get too involved...

How can i step back a little ?


When he comes

Will he be expecting much?

i HOPE i know how to hold on to emotions

I wish i can control my emotions better

than let this love get over me

my studies

pam...

I sincerely wished you were here

then i can hold back better


I know myself

Not let this reck my life
my sanity

And i misunderstood

What can i say

How sensitive i was

We had a quarrel but we are fine now

Jeanie girl

most of the time,


speaking up helps

So Love me & Leave me

Who knows what the future brings

Hard to let it go

When people come into your life
share special moments together
you thought it's eternity.

When the closeness was uninterrupted
When you and someone,
i'd say a friend, foe or lover
engage in good times
it seems
the world is just fine the way it is
this
short
intimate
closeness


just you and another

Sharing that instant

You thought u had it.


Humans change.
they adapt to the environment
it's survival skills they say
It's evolution.

Its understandable
If you feel the loss

But do know
an impact was made in their lives
as much as it had on yours.

What happens..

When u care what others think

Especially in a relationship

When all u see is your other halfs feelings towards u
When you test his limits
When u wonder how he thinks
When u wonder how he'll go for you

What about you?

How do u feel about him?

Do u like him?

Have you seen it?

Will u care if he didn't?
Will u love him if he didn't?

When he finally leaves

Do u then feel the pinch
of not doing what u've wanted

of loving him like you wanted to
with no inhibititions

Then

If he leaves
you would have felt better

tasteful

when is the right time?

When is it special?

So Little Jean a grown-up?

I'm curious.

at the same time i treasure myself.

I won't forsake u for curiousity.

Wonder words

A man's mind

something to do with

The sadness that's in you
I see it.

Let it go.

What it must have done to your heart..

It hurts to cheat
someone u adore so long

you can't change anything

Learn & move on.

Time will heal everything.

happiness

I see myself
a little child
who views the world a fantasy
where dreams must forcefully come

A little child
naive, ignorant and spoilt
A child
Pampered, Insecure and Fragile


My heart turns to something more concrete
a stable path
not where i see where life takes me
But where responsibility for my own happiness and securities counts


Depending on someone for your happiness
it can't last.

Little Child

Blow your balloons
Play your Monopoly
Have a hide-and-seek
with the neighbours around the block

For this fun will soon diminish

Your little fantasies
and
imprudent behaviour
should stop


The world has something nasty in stored for you.

Grow up
and find out how some things last
and some don't.

However
be true to you
and admit the faults made

Live Life loving someone each day

So i had a few drinks today.
I'm high from the drinks.
and i'm glad.
Glad for all things to go.

Mere coincidence. Mere chance.
I had fun.

So love is strong.
It crashes on you
sink in
and mersmerise you

Leaves you catching for breath
hard to go when it comes

It happened to me
it proved me vulnerable
to smiles giddiness and misses

It proved me a dreamer
love for you burning


To see you once again
will make me spin

pick up the pieces

and leave...

I left my heart there.
I've forgotten to take it.
When it's time.
The clock strikes nine.
The moment has passed.
When leaves dry
and the cold breeze sweeps by.

I'm gone.

DREAMS

dreams of supreme hope

So wonderful
So precious

u have a right
to say what you want

Please
Leave me alone
make things go

One word said too slow
one sentence typed too long

one regret
gone too far

never to return

with hope
from far

Dearest


I'm sorry to let this go.

Maybe it's better.

I love you.

But I can't see the future.

I love the sweet you.

If only you were more mature.

Age now will be a problem

Maybe later. in 5 yrs.

U r such a sweet one.

I wished i could be there for you. Really.

Billionaire?

A lot of things to get started.

Today, My senior colleague asked what's my goal. where do i want to be 10 years from now.

I changed subject quickly..


Where am i and where do i see myself from here?

U are Granted

Taking things for granted.

Do i ?

yea alot.

irrespnsible shush.. i know!

Do you normally start with the content or the title first?

i'm gonna start mine with the content first.

Usually, i'll intend to write something before i get the whole idea what i might be saying..

but there are times when thoughts start to build up and it becomes one whole chunk of thoughts..

it is then posts come about with a title thought up foremost.

Well..

what should i say since i'm gonna write with no direction?

erm, my Sunday went fine. Lunch with Mummy, Bought Papayas for mask-making.


Oh .

I was reading a book, called "a book of courtesy"
and realised i was paying attention to the actions of others
and not mine.

I began to see myself just like what i dislike.

Critical of others behaviour, i should be more aware of my own instead.

So Hopefully
i won't become an old hag.

Do you find yourself doing that too?


What else.

well. I care about what others think of me. annoyinging true.

must change that too.

ok.


Other thoughts are too private to blog at the moment.

Come Later.

Spin Myself Silly

Like
turning on the com at certain times
knowing you would be awake then

Like
telling you i have a webcam
AT last.

Like
thinking of you
and smiling myself silly

Like
waiting for your next text
your next msg
your sweet mutterings of love

Like
involuntarily speaking your language
awsome... goo-d

you dedicated this song to me

"I don't know why i love you"..but i do.

and it is just "you and me" and all of the people.

what's your blogger add?

Oh no.

I have just been asked for my blogger add.

My friend was using my com the other day and saw a link to my blogger account.

Hmm..

I've gotta be more careful with loggin in from now.

Would really prefer it to be private

so words would be less inhibited.

Let me Introduce..

she's named KiKi!!
I think Jason's Ex name was ringing in my head.

i thought the name's suitable
she responses when i call.

Adorable little Kiki.
squeals when left alone
gurgles when i stroke

Sis said you look awful

But

I think she has secretly fallen for you..
Playing with you the whole afternoon
without a chance at all for me

Hey..
u must meet Mr loulou
the brown white guinea

he hails from utah
and is hunting for a mate

A Horny one he must be
for Mummy massages him daily.

Happy Birthday my Love!

it's her birthday today!

And I'm missing you missing you missing you.

I love you. my dear .

I hope you are having a wonderful one.

Today.

I'm wearing the ring you gave me

I'm playing with Rebecc thinking of you

And, I'm wearing the antz panty......Haah!!!!!!!!!

Life without you is just plain.