Birds

I've been horridly chased by birds

What do birds mean?

Yesterday.
I dreamt of bird-droppings all over me
I was unable to avoid it
A pot of gold?

The night before.
I dreamt of a huge mystical bird
An eagle - sort of
But with huge wings

Everytime it sucked in
it's wings takes in the colour of the clothes you're wearing

Slowly
your clothes disappear

And you're left vulnerable

Birds Birds Birds

An affinity with them

SCAR

Something to leave behind

A scar

What else did u have to lose?

Why revisit it and dig it deeper

When u know

It was almost healed?

Scrapping the skin off

u thought it was okay to venture

A scar

A reminder of what has hurt and the lessons to learn

Revisiting ur scar and aggravating it

Now it may take longer to heal

And a deeper scar remains

Dear one, please help it to heal.

Pictures

Where do they go?

What is an identification

It is nothing more than a picture

How do you make that alive

In a Drunken state

I feel you are draining away my worries

When I come to you

My thoughts comes rushing out

from the keypad that I have with me

No wonder

It's just a matter of time

Time as to how fast my heart & soul wants to react to this

In truth, they say

There is no time

Time is created by men

then what are men?

What are human beings?

I come home tipsy and I feel depressed

over the same issue

I feel like I'm only a call away

I feel this is the greatest excuse

But I'll regret it

If I do it

Like how i did it the last time

drunk and crying

My heart

What would you like

Must i grant every single thing that you say

Am i fit for the role i play?

I feel incapable unable to make mistakes

one day away and query about my job come in

What would i like?

I think i look down upon myself

I don't know what I want in me

I am taking a course in Le Cordon Bleu

Yes, i will.

It's my intent.

My intent is to take a patisserie course

Somehow or rather I feel happy in it.

Soulmate

The day that he finds his other soulmate

I wouldn't know how to react

I'll be happy for him, I'm sure

He has let me go

It's just that... I have not

I wouldn't want to. But I know, I know... I would need to.

For the best of me.

For the best of me.

Lucid Dreams

A few days before, while I was still in Asmara Dive Resort in Bali,

I dreamt, tasted and felt.

In the dream

I dreamt that my sis fed me a celery, as if to say, hey, this is real. Taste it.

And I munched on the celery, tasting the rawness and slight bitterness of it.

Later, a man. I'm not sure who,

Someone of small built.

Came up to me.

I felt that in the dream, that it wasn't tay.

We kissed. Strong passionate kisses.

I could feel the taste of his tongue, his lips and the wetness in our mouths.

I caressed and held to his tongue, just as he did it to me.

It was just like.. the kiss i had with Tay.

Only this time, it's not Tay.

Why?

Yesterday.

I dreamt of Tay.

His hair was long and unkempt.

He is wearing the shirts i bought him each time his face appeared in the dream.

As if to show his love for me.

Just like that in Bangkok.

When I last met him in May 2010.

Tay, I know that,

Even though we are not physically available for each other,

I can communicate with you.

Strongly. And this communication is real with no egos attached.

I just like to say.

I Love you.

Soulmates

What are they after all?

I delve upon the subject.

Wonder how connected I am to soulmates.

The big hoo-haas about it.

They are beings, souls connected to my souls in many past lives.

Helps me be the person I am to be, and

To learn my lessons. my karmic lessons.

The Tay missingness, it's a habit. A very bad habit.

I allow myself to feel this way. To be this way.

I should not have thought about him. Think of him any longer.

Meditation Retreat

This is so stupid.

Yesterday, I attempted a 1 day meditation retreat.

From 9am - 5pm. 1.5hr break in between.

I felt frustrated and awful at the end, but I'm going back again.

I do not know why I did it..

Oh yes, the practice required us to follow the 8 precepts for 24hrs.

basically to obstain from food after midday, from any forms of entertainment, music, friends.

I forego with it as I've made an appt with my friends to catch a movie.

I even ate after.

Yucks, I didnt fulfill it. But Im going back again.

This time, I shall abide it and set aside 24hrs wholly for this retreat.

I must say, however frustrated I felt. Throughout the day later, I actually looked to my inner being and felt very calm.

Meditation allows me to gain insight, without me realising.

What are we?

What are we made up?

Who's to say that what the churches and bible say is right?

Who's to say what buddha say is true?

Why are we here and what are we made up of? What are the stars and humans around us?

IS it fascinating to be here?

A few days ago. I was depressed. Real depressed.

I dont know how I could continue my life doing what I did for the past 26 years.

I don't know about my existence and what spiritual teachers said are true or made any sense.

I didnt want to just believe and preach about it.

Pretending to feel good isn't good. Pretending such methods worked made me feel inauthentic.

What's authentic then? Why do people go on leading their lifes?

Is there some life force around us?

Present Moment

Maybe because I'm not living in the present moment that i'm feeling awful

I dont know what that is but it isnt pleasant

I have never felt alone more alone than before

Maybe I'm wrong

When I think about the past

It's very painful and it drags me away from the present

I need to be dragged back here

Loneliness

I'm feeling all alone now

Life is but a shame for me

I dont know what to do

It has pushed me to a brim I can no longer hide no more

The sadness and emptiness I feel is real

The loneliness is real

I hear birds chirping but I feel nothing but sadness

This is all but a fantasy

A whisper to the wind

I love you

And so

I let you go now.

A courageous effort

I'll remind myself

Every single day

He's no longer with me.

A whisper to the wind

To carry my dreams

To the universe.

Thank you Tay

Today I dreamt of a powerful dream
I dreamt of Tay.
He called me at last.
And we spoke.
As usual, I tried to sound happy and busy.
I told him that I'm eating alot, and I eat everyday.
He was smiling over the phone. I could hear / feel it.

Then there was a pause. A long pause.
My sister and Dad came into / were in the room.
Jie was making up and Dad was asking if we were ready (to leave the house).
It seemed we were going to a family gathering.

I then said to Tay that I've gotta go.
Because I don't wish to be the one being hung up, over again.

He called to me, " Jeanette".
And said, "I"m sorry."
He mentioned a girl's name which I can't recall / hear.
But I knew it wasn't the current girlfriend.
So I said, " You meant Janice?" (Apparently it was Janice Ku, our client)
And there was a longer pause.

It seemed he was crying over the phone.
And I felt awful again.
Anger and abandonment.

I waited slightly longer before I hang up.
Without a goodbye.

And I woke up.

Tay, if you were communicating with me in my dream
I get you.

I forgive you.
But I won't forget.
For I'll learn the lesson in this relationship we had.

I know what I've been always feeling
Waiting without avail.
Waiting without answer.
I felt that I have been always behind you in life.
Always ceaselessly waiting.

And I know.
I don't want that feeling anymore.

I understand the deeper meaning of this dream.

I need to understand the lesson here and to move on with my life.

I forgive you and I love you.
But I shan't forget, the lesson behind this.

Thank you Tay.

Beauty and Joy

In you. that flowers come.

Let's make merry. In you there is wholeness.

Come. Let's make merry.

There is joy

in the things you ignore.

There is joy

in the beauty of your eyes.

There is joy

When I see you.

Beauty is universal

When you can look not out there

But in here.

RUN. RELEASE. FREEDOM

If you love someone. set him / her free.

Let him go from your heart.

Be aware of your feelings and let them go.

Run till you die. But you are always with yourself.

Somebody

There's so many things I wanna do.

Be Somebody.

Hmmm.. What's somebody?

Someone everybody admires.

Someone everybody looks up to.

Someone you can look up to.

Something that you have long to achieve has been achieved.

Freedom?

What's somebody?

You. Me. Everyone else.

So who's somebody?

Alone.

Have been a while since I visited this place.

I wonder where we've been.

Alone in this house.

Where am I?

I'm alone but yet not.

Have you ever been alone?

How do you feel being alone?

What do you do when you alone?

Do the things you've would never do with others?

What are those?

Dreaming. Sleeping. Eating in the most disgusting manner. Talking to yourself.

Dancing. Make-up. Cross-dress. Stretch. Cry. Watch porn. Read. See your nakedness in the mirror. Laugh. Make magic. Kiss yourself.

What would you do?

My Silly Affair

It's done deal.

Funny.

Guilt. Shame. Remorse.

I've never felt so lonely in my life.

I"m going for a jog.

The way love works

I don't understand the way this works

I'm disapointed time and time again

I don't feel the special love that I see in Disney movies happening

I don't trust men.

I feel they would leave me after knowing me.

What comes about this?

Getting to know me would be quite empty isn't it?

Why am I afraid of going on dates?

What do I fear?

I don't know

I have lost all faith.

I have lost faith in the Love I thought would happen

I have lost faith in myself

Now

I don't wanna tell myself this is good

I don't wanna encourage myself

I have lost faith in men

Cheese

I need to smile more.

Realised I have kept myself away with the excuse of you in mind.

I have totally made u as my excuse in my social gatherings.

How cruel have i kept myself away from the rest

And suffered ignorantly, joyously, painfully, excruciatingly for the sake of hope

my dreams

Are you my dream-person?

Ive been making use of you

When you no longer exist in my life

I could tell

from the current smile in your pictures

Why so fake jean

You know you can do it

It is a matter of trust and letting go

Dissapointments

How do you handle two in a day?

No expectations or something

2 persons asked for appointments today but later cancelled it.

I feel rejected.

Both are dear Both in an evening.

I could have done more..

What the heck.

What do i learn from it?